Thursday, December 31, 2009

I Resolve: Reflection on 2009

This last year hasn't been a bad year by any stretch of the imagination... we welcomed Raven into our lives, we have all remained relatively healthy (minus a gall bladder), and we both still have our jobs.  There isn't much I can complain about regarding 2009.

However, one thing that strikes me over and over again when I think back on the last 12 months is that for the most part, I flew by the seat of my pants.  I didn't plan ahead (I didn't plan at all), I didn't do much of anything with intention, and mostly... I *just* lived.  Each day I woke up and did what I needed to do to get through the day knowing/hoping that I had another chance at survival the next day.  I wouldn't say that I was or have been depressed at all... but I certainly wasn't living with any real intention.

I didn't even make any resolutions this last January... and even though I rarely keep up with them, I always make resolutions. 

I wouldn't say that there are any real reasons for why I chose to live this way... I simply didn't choose to live any other way... to live with conviction... to live with intention... to be deliberate... to live in confidence... to be my own person.  I gave up even before the year had began.

These last few days I have really been looking forward to 2010 and I found it comical as I didn't really know why I was so looking forward to 2010 but it seemed like a good goal to reach... 2010... a new year!  And then I started thinking about it and realizing what I've stated above... and it's no wonder I want a clean slate.  It would be nice to live with purpose, don't you think?  Instead of merely existing, to really exist in the world and be a part of it from day to day.  It wasn't a "bad" year... it wasn't a "good" year... it was... a year.

In the scheme of time, a year is not a whole long time, but in the scheme of a life... say, 80 years... say 100 years, for easy math, it is 1% of a life.  People quibble over less percentages than that in other areas of their lives... so how could I even think that one year was "meaningless" in my life?  Ugh.  Such a thought.

This post might not mean much to you... it might be confusing... but it's been brewing in my head and I needed to get it out.  A good friend of mine said (wrote) today that she is to Be Intentional... and wow, it was really profound to me.  As in, "duh, why have I chosen to not live intentionally?  How hard is it really to Be Intentional?"  I shouldn't steal her resolution but I suppose I will anyway and add it to my list for 2010. 
And... all that doesn't mean we didn't have our fill of interesting episodes this year... some good, some bad, and all of which really make you think about life and what it means and where you are headed and who you want to be and... do I really need to go on?  But, you need to do something with all of that thinking.

I hope that 2010 finds you all living intentionally... that it is a good year for you all!  I'm still working on my resolutions... but I already have a bunch and am excited for the new year to begin.


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