Anna and Mama

Forgive me if this post is written poorly today.  My ability to string words together this week outside of bullet points is a failure, and so I only hope that what is running through my head can be coherently relayed on "paper".

Anna is 15 weeks old today.  I doubt very much I'll have a picture to post later, but I wanted to say it no matter what.  I thought I'd be done with the weekly posts once she turned 3 months old and then switch to monthly posts, but the last two weeks have been hard and by posting that she's 15 weeks old, I have an opening to discuss it.

Anna is only 15 weeks old.  She doesn't roll over that much, she can't crawl, she can't talk... she's still a very small baby.  An infant.  Despite her size, she's no different than any other 3 month old baby.  So it shouldn't be a shock to me that she's having a hard time dealing with separation from mommy.  And, I'm not shocked, but maybe surprised a little that the reaction was a bit delayed.

I'm not talking about separation anxiety.  She does well at daycare, is a champ there with the bottle now, and generally has good days.  What I mean is that when we are in the same vicinity of each other, she needs me.  She craves me.  She cannot live without me.

This is good and bad, no?  I don't mind it.  It actually is a balm to my soul.  But, at the same time, it causes me a lot of heartache to experience her need for me so strongly in the evenings and in the middle of the night, and I don't know how to change life for her so that she needs me less.  And, this is where I have a hard time conveying what I'm thinking here.  It's not that I want her to need me less.  It's not that I mind.  However, at the same time...

... it's hard to watch her with Adam, where she screams and writhes in his arms because she really just wants me...

... it's hard to tell my older children that they need to leave mommy and Anna alone so that mommy can soothe Anna.  They don't understand.  They both want their mommy too, and they want to spend time with Anna.  But their noise and their flurry is too much for Anna when she's trying to drink in the one person she's been craving all day...

... it's hard to make dinner.  That sounds silly, but it is.  I have plans for dinners for each day, but even if I prep it the night before, I am having a hard time cooking because Anna doesn't want to be set down.  And I can't do everything one handed and I don't want to risk her getting burnt.

... it's hard to tell Julia that I can't read a book right now because I can't even think over Anna's screaming when trying to settle her down.

There's more.... but those are the immediate things I think of.

Here's the sticky part in all of this.  She's only 15 weeks old.  These are expected reactions in a lot of ways.  I don't want her to "get used to" being set down and ignored, and of course she wants alone time with me where she's not being hovered over.  And in time she'll grow to enjoy being with her daddy - he's a fun guy.  It's just that right now we're in this stage... a stage that I was expecting right when she started daycare, only to have about three weeks where she didn't enter it, and then to be hit with it about a week ago.

So we're adjusting to a new normal.  That is all.  But it's probably one of the more difficult normals I've had to adjust to since Julia was born.  And that's okay, but it's there.  And it affects me in more ways than I thought it would.

erin